The Architect of Me

Artist: Thomas Cole

The only life we hold up is our own. Elizabeth Gilbert, speaks so eloquently to this. “Surrender into trusting others on their own journey. Surrender into love. Surrender into taking care of your own business. You do not hold up anyone’s life. We do. And we hold yours too.”

This was her download from love when she asked, what would you have me know today about holding up others?

For a recovering codependent this is something I must ask myself constantly as to what my motivation is behind my helping.

Is it coming from a place of love? If so, I will feel it within my body, because it’s a full bodied, yes. If it’s undergirding is fear, it will feel sticky, clingy, corded, laced with expectations, and often manipulative.

I adore how Glennon Doyle, shares that she has pages of great ideas for all her people, yet most likely they were not requesting any of them. Indeed humbling to land upon the realization that the only walls we can be holding up, are the ones that are ours.

This does not mean that we cannot offer help, be there for another, yet we are not in the business of saving lives.

Only our own.

As I have sat with this, it is an outward gaze that can often trick me into believing that I am more worthy, more valuable, and possess importance, if what I am focusing on is someone besides myself.

Yet, who desires to become our pet project?

I suspect this has been an earth lesson I simply never quite got, until this current incarnation when I was placed within the swirling chaos of addiction. Faced with a stark reality that I was powerless over the choices of how anyone chooses to live into their lives. I always have been.

Until I found Al-Anon, and learned that I too was a part of the family disease. I needed to focus upon my part and allow the qualifiers to focus on theirs. No inquiring, micromanaging, asking the same questions repeatedly, longing for a different response.

Terrifying to let go of the white knuckle grip, yet so surprising to notice how life continues on, with no push or pull to be getting in its way.

I will always be in recovery from my codependency. The triggers and flares I am able to name and recognize more quickly. Instantly engaging within some very nurturing self talk, as the ugly beast of guilt wants to scold me. Tricking me with an old thought form that it resembles a lack of care to step back from that which is not mine to hold. Not one ounce of truth resides within this tomfoolery.

Allowing it several minutes of air time, and trusting that whatever I would engage in that moment using its instructions would be motivated from a place of fear and not love. I get to choose, setting down the business of others. Phew, such a relief this realization is.

Love has us covered, maintaining our foundation, our architects. When and if we crumble, love will be the first responder to lend a hand with our rising and rebuilding. Of this we can be certain.   

“Joy is made for you, because you are good. Not good for others, but simply good.” ~ Kate Bowler

Photo Credit: Elizabeth Gilbert

*My gratitude for your presence here. If you like what you are reading, clicking on the heart at the bottom of the page helps me get this out into the ethers. Also, your comments are engaging, assisting our community, and please never hesitate if you feel called to pass any along to someone you are thinking of.