Night Falls Fast

Photo Credit: Adobe Stock

It was a frigid, dreary winter day in Utah, in early loss, where I wasn’t certain if I could live without my son earth side. Growing increasingly weary, I began counting how many years I envisioned it might be until we were together again. Feeling envious of older parents who lose their children, doing the math, and caculating that they will not have to survive this as long as I imagined I would. This is not unusual thinking for a bereaved parent, in fact, I hear it often. There is no normal with loss.

My husband had gone to work, I was on my elliptical trainer, doing something mindless to move my body, and I entertained the thought of going into the garage, turning on the motor of my car, and drifting off.

Immediately, like a lightning bolt, my body jolted and tingled. My son came in, and told me a hard, “NO!” He explained that he required his healing time and that I needed mine, and they had to be done separately for now, and that I must trust him with this. There was no talking myself out of what had occurred. It was powerful, pivotal, and he made sure that I got it. Like a huge exclamation point that was never ending, type of messaging.

Douglas understood that this is a common inclination for many parents. Yet, he showed me explicitly that this was not how it was going to work, contrary to what I might be imagining and envisioning.

I had to become fully invested within my own healing practices earth side, utilizing as many resources as I could get my hands on, and he too would be doing the same in the spirit realm. There was no prematurely pushing the eject button, and landing where he was that could be guaranteed. More was shown that I am choosing to keep between my son and me for now. It is not classified information, nor a secret. I will gladly share in a one on one with you, yet I cannot do it justice on the page, thus my intentional choice.

I felt as if I had experienced an out of body experience, and when thrust back in, was offered a template of what I needed to do to save myself. No one else could do it for me; it was an inside job. I had to make the decision that I desired to get better, and could not do it alone any longer. I had exhausted all my inner resources, and desperately ached for more. What I longed for were other women, bereaved mothers who knew intimately the devastating loss of losing a child. They were my first life line, as I studied them closely, to observe what might be possible for me in time. Not ready to dwell within absolutes, yet possibilities ignited a flicker of curiosity and even some hope.

This is currently my ongoing practice, my work, and I’ll never be done. Douglas' life now, rather than how he shed his earth suit are where my energy and attention dwell. I am trying to offer a lantern, the way I was given one. Reminding myself to continually turn back around to see who might be standing there? Each of us able to become light bearers, illuminating just the very next step.

It can only be when one decides that to carry on the memory and legacy of one’s beloved while still earth side, holds a greater energetic pull than choosing to leave. I hold no judgment on this, as it is intimately personal.

Tosha Silver, speaks of souls lining up waiting for a body to have an earthy incarnation. They will take any body, whether healthy or infirm, to be able to enroll in Earth School. I carry this within me always, the supreme gift of a body. No matter how challenging; is to grant it a full experience. We are the stewards of these vessels, and only we can decide how to live within them or not.

“The world needs people who can find a tunnel with no light at the end of it and hold it up like a telescope to show that the darkness contains many truths that could bring the light to its knees.” Andrea Gibson

***The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or as of 2022, an easy three-digit number, 988.***