My Job is Not to Change Your Mind

Photo Credit: Evan Malo, Blood Moon

My job is not to change your mind. I am attempting to delve  mindfully and gently into a very tender topic. My only purpose is to share what I have witnessed, encountered personally, and how I try to remain open and listening. Coming alongside currently with as much loving compassion and presence as I have.

It is feeling as if this will be presented in more than one post, thus to not overload nor overwhelm. My second installment will follow next week.

These are my thoughts alone, they do not need to be anyone else’s, yet I feel called to place it upon the page. I am also being encouraged to do so by my mentor, therefore I am trusting our timing with this.

As a hospital chaplain, I was trained to move toward and not away from patients who were either experiencing suicidal ideations and or were hospitalized due to an attempt. There were common threads woven throughout their conversations with me which I desire to offer to you dear readers. I couldn’t help but notice how similar their thoughts were. I would hear often:

I was shown that I was seeking a permanent solution to a temporary state of being. Mind you, the situation might not be temporary, yet the depth of the acute sorrow, grief, perhaps could be?

Many of them recalled being shown various doors. Behind each one was a choice, different from the one of ending their lives. Recognizing faces of loving family members. Friends ready to listen, outstretched hands, possibilities, that could not be readily accessed within the depths of the bottomless abyss of acute and unbearable pain.

What prevented the act of reaching out, was a darkness, a depth of hopeless, and pain, that was unforgiving and unceasing. It was in the seeking of relief for the relentless pain, whether it was emotional, physical, spiritual, that in that moment, the other doors were obscured. Glimpsing only the one door, the choice that would silence and put to an end what was unbearable.

Several were quite depressed to not have been able to complete the task, and even mentioned that they couldn’t even do that ‘right.’ This often provided rich soil that offered a root for us to begin with. Can we trace the origin story? Who or what planted the seeds? What is true or not? As we pulled at the root, could it be moved, or was it deeply embedded?

The patients who experienced suicidal ideations, I would inquire if they had a plan. Many described in detail what it was. As their words were spoken, hearing themselves into healing often followed. What if they were not able to complete it, and were worse off physically because of their ‘failed’ attempt? Bringing this to the forefront, no longer part of a secret looping that spun them out, offered a template and foundation of care. Clarity sprouting from within the previously parched and barren cracks. Before patients were discharged, they were offered a plan of care moving forward. Medical support, connections, and often a renewed sense of hope and purpose followed. Even if they were unsure of what it was, there existed a glimmer of curiosity and anticipation to make that discovery, because they were still here, and why was that?

“A difficult life is not less worth living than a gentle one.” Andrea Gibson

***The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or as of 2022, an easy three-digit number, 988.***

September was first declared as National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month in 2008. Since then, September has been a time to acknowledge those affected by suicide, raise awareness, and connect individuals with suicidal ideation to treatment services. According to the CDC, each year more than 41,000 individuals die by suicide, leaving behind friends and family members to navigate the tragedy of their loss. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death among adults in the U.S. and the 2nd leading cause of death among people aged 10-24 and these rates are increasing.

My gratitude for the offering of this post with anyone you feel may benefit from it. Often it’s in the act of sharing, that both the receiver and giver are offered a moment of needed connection.