I Used Up All My Courage

The Esterel Mountains (1888) Claude Monet

I recall asking my mom about her day, activities, and often, she would say, “Joan, I used up all my courage for the day.” As I listened to what was underneath her words, I never fully could comprehend until it entered into my life. Living into her existence utilized an energy, which resembles a marathon with no finish line.

Later, when we both shared the loss of our sons, I came to understand with a depth that I simply could not have previously. I was imagining, inquiring, yet coming alongside one another now, the lens that was once foggy, cleared. Oh, how I wish I could have remained in a haze of unknowing, yet that was not to be.

How often I thought she would feel better if she would accept an invitation, go on a trip, have that dinner date. Yet, who was I to ever presume to know what may be best for another? Of course it was my fear and panic that I was losing her too along with my beloved brother.

A mountain range stood rigid, stalwart, between us, of inexplicable loss that I was unable to traverse, until I had to.

I could meet her there, yet only as someone envisioning, not with any way of knowing. Until I was standing at the bottom facing and motionless in front of the same mountain.

With whatever one is facing, living into, it may be requiring a quiet courage that is not apparent nor obvious to others. Within is an energy that is never turned off, a constant treading in ever flowing and often unsettling water. Movement is occurring, even if it is unrecognizable.  Requiring a vigilance to one’s inner pilot light, to keep it aglow, even in the strongest of turbulence.

A paradox of healing within loss, is that sometimes to talk and convince oneself into attending an event, may be energizing. However, in other instances, it might be when one’s inner child pipes in, with a valid protest. Arms crossed tightly across their chest, pleading that we don’t throw them under the bus once again.

Navigating through tender days, such as angel days, birthdays, certain holidays, these require a boost in courage. From the outside looking in, we might appear that we are handling these events. Yet, if allowed a front row seat into our most private thoughts, you might be privy to another version.

I have always asked my people to please not stop asking, inviting, inquiring, if I am choosing an inward moment. My next might really require a heart with ears, and I will be grateful for their interest and care.

When the words of my mom come tumbling in, even though she is no longer earth side, they remain as distinct and clear as ever. Not to be ignored. I’m being invited to go within and feel into my courage coffers.

I’ve been practicing to try to not question, and to trust without requiring an explanation. Opening our eyes, our hearts, and living our lives requires daily courage. I don’t want to waste any precious life force in resistance, rather move into an ongoing acceptance.

Many have taken on LoRaine’s wisdom. It’s such a loving way to say, no, for now, when we communicate with clarity that we have utilized all our courage for the day. A new lens is being offered to gaze from. One that feels kind, gentle and liberating too.

You always thought I was humming along as a child so that I didn’t need to listen. Well, your words penetrated even my loudest of hums. I absorbed more than you could ever have imagined, mom. How about that? I can hear you howling from beyond the veil. Yes, I can!

“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment, and nature will respond to that commitment

by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream, and the world will not grind

you under. It will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers

who really counted understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is

done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its feather bed.” -  Terrence McKenna