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I'm Not So Sure

Writer's picture: spacetofeelingsspacetofeelings


I’m not so sure about something that I’ve had a difficult time releasing. Several weeks ago I was conversing with a woman who had lost her young son decades ago. We were experiencing a moment and when I shared how Douglas had died from the disease of addiction, her eyes welled. Instantly she grabbed my hands in a painful and knowing recognition and I felt seen.


Her following words are what have been causing a painful hiccup in my heart, a stitch that is creating a seam that rubs and snags  on my most tender and soft places within. “I have a daughter that almost died from addiction and she is alive today because I saved her with my prayers.”


It was if someone dumped a bunch of coins in me at the laundromat and I was being spun around in frothy, soapy water at a rapid speed unable to catch my breath. Desiring to move beyond my own personalizing/hurt and into validation of how relieved and grateful she must feel, all the correct words, yet within a searing, red hot poker was branding my heart.


What about my bargaining, my prayers, down on my weary and bruised knees when I felt absolutely drenched in a powerless sweat? Nothing was changing the course of this hurtling train no matter what actions were taken, words spoken and opportunities offered. Denial of the severity of the illness for Douglas, hovered like a smothering, horrific nightmare sucking every ounce of life force energy out of any viable life forms.


Are some prayers advancing up the line and given front row and center seating, while others remain in the nose bleed section of the stands? I don’t begin to understand, yet if prayers alone are what could keep a heart beating I suspect there would be more souls still earth side.


I had such a tender conversation with a very young and beautiful sister who has a brother who completed suicide. Her ongoing guilt that she expressed of longing to have been allowed into her brother’s world, that he kept her locked out of. If she had been allowed entrance into his world, perhaps she could have said or done something to have helped him to remain? Similar to my experience with my son, never wanting to worry, disappoint, and hoping that with each day relief would be in sight and all might be well with the world? I recall my father, saying to my mother when my brother died, “What happened to all the prayers?” Her reply was, “Perhaps they were answered, just not in the way that we had hoped for.”


I believe with all of my heart that prayers, affirmation, pleas, petitions, whatever we call them are heard. The outcome is just not always ours, what we believe is best, may not be what these precious souls came into this incarnation for. Such are these existential and unanswerable questions. Yet, after being on the receiving end of that comment, I believe it might be a mixed bag to imagine that our prayers are that powerful where some of our beloveds are selectively saved while others are not.


I wonder if I’ve ever hinted at this in my conversations with others? Once again I realize the power of spoken words and one can never be sure of how they may land for another? I trust this woman meant no harm, she was trying to find a bridge to meet upon to share her elation of the healing and well being of her precious daughter. This IS a bridge we can meet upon, I just wish, my prayers had been met with a similar outcome for Douglas, how could I not? This is my ongoing acknowledging of these feelings that the author Clover Stroud, reminds me. “It’s completely safe to feel those feelings, but it’s not necessary to become the feeling.” Writing and getting this moving, flowing and out into the ethers where it can be transmuted has left me lighter. I can feel it. I just wasn’t ready until I was.

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spacetofeelings
spacetofeelings
04 may 2024

My gratitude for hearing my heart in this piece dear Susan. It really helps me to put into words when I can these big feelings that I have. Xo 💞

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Susan Lash
Susan Lash
03 may 2024

Truth: “…yet if prayers alone are what could keep a heart beating I suspect there would be more souls still earth side.”

You are a kind and gracious person, Joanie, offering her the benefit of doubt in spite of your pain by allowing for what she likely intended. I’m still sorry you had to hear it. 🙏♥️.

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