Holding My Own Hand

Artist: Therese James, A Perfect Moment

I am such an ardent believer in trying to heal what I can earth side. My desire is to travel onto my next adventure with as little baggage as possible. “Release everything that no longer serves you. Let it drop to the ground where it will become compost for growth.” ~ Irasema

Relying on words spoken to me from my daughter decades ago, “Not everything is always about you.” Ouch, yes?! But, oh, so true, and incredibly humbling. A very young part of me, with an old narrative, often untrue can sneak out of hiding, turn up the volume, and cause quite a painful and emotional upheaval for me.

Not too long ago, I expressed what I was feeling and witnessing within our relationship with a dear one. Trying to remain grounded and in my heart were my intentions. Sharing what I had been noticing, and wondering if we could find our way back to one another? There had been an increasing distancing.

My inquiry was responded to safely, yet with not what I had hoped I might hear. Not having enough energy for our relationship was what was relayed.

Sitting with this and allowing my full range of emotions has been critical. Tears, disbelief, confusion, anger, and overriding each of them a depth of profound sadness.

I would rather know, than live within indifference. We learned in 12 step meetings that indifference is worse than facing the truth of what is going on for another. Lay it all out, the good, bad, and the ugly. Repair can occur if we are aware of what it is the other is feeling and experiencing.

“The greatest danger to our future is apathy and indifference.” ~Jane Goodall

I replied that my heart is a revolving door, and if this should ever change for them, my arms are open. Please do not mistake this as a lack of boundaries, or allowing myself to be mistreated as that is a non-negotiable for me. I heard my chaplain supervisor Linc, reminding me not to go into catastrophizing by slamming the door closed to my heart. It is often our first instinct when hurt, to armor, close off, roll the stone in front of the tomb. I understand this, and only we can choose what is in our highest and best good.

“If I can’t close my sensory gating, then open me wider. Let me become a doorway so big and so open that a new way of being can emerge.” ~ Sophie Strand

How to search for a thread of acceptance and peace to hold onto? Trying to not allow my sense of self to erode over that which I have absolutely no control becomes my work. How I wish I could outsource this, yet I cannot. Deepest of sighs.

What I rest within is understanding that I can move into the practice of repair and reconciliation. My father and I moved mountains within this paradigm. We unpacked our earth encrusted rocks, studying each one, and he departed this incarnation lighter. Both of us no longer having to carry the heaviness. We chose to set it down to actively heal.

It happened because we were BOTH willing to listen, stop defending, and accept where we had fallen short. Yanking up the rotten planks on our bridge to one another. In its place, a structure emerged that could withstand future storms.

Now, we had something sturdy to stand upon as approached one another in our full humanity. Flawed, imperfect, messy, loving, and desiring another go at it.

My last words to him were that he had been one of my greatest teachers. Also, I was beyond curious as to which wife might be first in line to greet him?

He had been married three times! My curiosity warranted indeed.

To watch his shoulders rise up and down in laughter, gazing up at me from his long eyelashes with the sweetest grin, was our last shared memory. (My sister and I were always so jealous of those lashes of his.)

I may not have the opportunity to experience a positive outcome with this particular person as I did with my father. I’m handing it all over to the Divine, and not imagining in absolutes, yet in potential possibilities. Either way, I trust I am and will be okay, because I am not carrying this alone.

“May you be safe, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering, may you know peace.”