Allowing the Cracks

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What if we are not meant to become a human Zamboni? Remember those huge machines that smooth the ice when it has become too chunky? I’m sure there is a better word, yet that’s what’s coming in for me now.

Both my husband and son played ice hockey and could spin many tales about those machines. Do I recall one of them got to ride on one once? Perhaps I’m spinning some yarn here?

Fascinating to hear Glennon Doyle, on a podcast with Jen Hatmaker, commenting that we are not meant to become a human Zamboni. Desiring to come up behind whomever or whatever in attempts to clean up whatever has been left in the wake.

I realized I was what they were speaking of before I found myself in the rooms of recovery. Classic codependent behavior of not wanting anyone most especially myself to feel any discomfort. Attempting to smooth over the cracks, the wreckage, and too fearful to allow my people to feel the pain within the consequences of their own actions.

Who would have known that trying to jump in to help, was often not at all what the receiver wanted nor desired. To uncover that it was merely my own discomfort, angst, shame barometer that was becoming activated, was an abrupt awareness and awakening.

“This doing nothing is a path for the brave.” Elizabeth Gilbert

We are hardwired to be on the go, doing, this is where our sense of identity often resides. Helping is also embedded deeply within this as well.

Getting out of the way, removing ourselves as we might become an obstacle, for the healing and clarity to enter in for another.  This is counterintuitive and a paradox, as it doesn’t appear so, yet it is one hundred percent true, each and every time. Just as trying to help a butterfly free itself too soon from its chrysalis, can become its demise. It requires the struggle, as that is what strengthens its wings.

Our struggle is required too.

Open Letter from the Alcoholic

I am an alcoholic. I need your help.

Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry with me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease, too.

Don't pour out my liquor; it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more.

Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion abut myself. I hate myself enough already.

Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time.

Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it.

Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.

Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice.

Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape for the consequences of my drinking.

Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly.

I love you.

Your Alcoholic

*This letter was read at every one of our Al-Anon meetings. It brought in so much needed perspective each and every time I closed my eyes, listened, and absorbed its wisdom. It does not have to be just about the disease of alcoholism, yet any “ ism." Our service as a Zamboni is no longer needed. Time to stop smoothing things over, and allow the cracks to surface. They will, and may become the source of the beginning of healing.

*My gratitude for your presence here. If you like what you are reading, clicking on the heart at the bottom of the page helps me get this out into the ethers. Also, your comments are engaging, assisting our community, and please never hesitate if you feel called to pass any along to someone you are thinking of.

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